Dating and Rating with Hashtags
I think I’ve had enough excitement for one week. Let’s get back to normal, shall we?
The thing he was talking about is an app named Lulu where women can rate men, and yes, it apparently is a thing. It’s also breathtakingly hilarious.
I couldn’t not download this thing. I mean, it had the potential to be the most amusing app in the history of ever, and it did not disappoint.
So here’s what you do…you download this app and it immediately tells you that everything you do through it is anonymous, despite the fact that it links to your Facebook account. Your Facebook account is where it draws your potential reviewee, or victim, depending on your perspective. Right off the bat, you can see which of your male friends have been reviewed. It tells you what their average score is (1-10), how many other women have picked them as a “favorite,” how many people have viewed his profile, and then it gets fucking magical.
The crux of the profile is broken down into 3 categories: Hashtags, Reviews (as in who has reviewed this person) and Important Stuff, namely relationship status, college attended, and age.
Hashtags is by far my favorite category. When a woman goes to review a guy, she gets to select from a whole slew of pre-determined hashtags that she meticulously combs through and picks in order to paint a bigger picture about this poor unfortunate fellow. There are two portions of this section, Best Qualities and Worst Qualities. I’ll highlight a few of my favorites:
Best Qualities: #RespectsWomen (well thank God) #Manscaped (Uh) #StrongJaw (so if you have to punch him or something he should be fine) #LocalCeleb (lol what.) #OneOfTheGoodOnes (not THE good one, just one of them) #Big.Feet. (who the fuck ca—OH.) #SexualPanther (sounds exotic and shit) #SnuggleMachine (time 4 cuddlez VROOOOOOM) #NotADick (solid) #CaptainFun (this is, hands down, my absolute favorite) #WatchesSunsets (#ProbablyNotAVampire) #CanBuildFires (this is an absolute must if you want to date me, fyi. So vital.) #PleaseF**kMeILoveYou (WHAT WOAH SLOW DOWN) #Mysterious (#ProbablyAVampire) #WantsBebes (not babies though.)
Worst Qualities: #NothingBadAboutHim (huh?) #ForgotHisWallet (forgetful dick.) #AirGuitarist (hell no, fuck that,) #BurnsCornflakes (sounds like me, so I can’t really hate,) #WearsEdHardy (SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN,) #GoneByMorning (#ProbablyAVampire) #DrinksTheHaterade (I have no comment. I just wanted to share this with you guys.) #OwnsCrocs (NOPENOPENOPENOPE) #PlaysDidgeridoo (that’s actually quite impressive…)
You might be asking yourself, what kind of women are posting these reviews, and that is answered in the, you guessed it, Reviews section. You get to pick from 6 options to explain how you know this guy: Ex-Boyfriend, Crush, Together, Hooked Up, Friend, Relative.
I’m pleased to report that there were only 5 of my Facebook friends who have reviews about them. Most of the reviews were positive though, so I guess that’s good? One of those friends happened to be my ex-husband who had a pretty decent score despite being docked for being a #BabyDaddy (high five for claiming our child and not trying to pass him off as your little brother!)
My friend who had one of the lower scores was reviewed by a “hook up.” His lower score is probably due to the fact that this fine young woman identified him as #BeingInACult, but she did allow for the fact that he does have #GreatHair, so there’s that.
How do I feel about all of this? Topically, I think it’s hysterical just because it’s so silly. How would I feel about this if it were an app where men review women? Horrified. No, I’m not turning this into a gender thing, I’m just putting myself in these guy’s shoes. It’s kind of fucked up that an app like this exists. Whatever happened to plain-old word of mouth? Not to mention it’s not like you have to provide any proof that you know this person/have hooked up with them/whatevs, so any person could stumble onto this app and ream you via hashtag. That seems rather unfair.
I guess this post is thematic for me as I’ve recently dealt with the unwavering courage that anonymity brings to people (check out the fun little comment on my post before this one!) Being able to hide behind a computer screen or behind a mobile phone seems to galvanize some people and bring out the worst in them. This app is just another venue to collect that unnecessary cruelty, so while I give it an A+ for hilarious frivolity, I give it an F in being useful or meaningful.
Guys, if you feel so inclined, you can check out your profile online here. You can also change your profile pic and write a review of yourself if that’s how you roll. No, I’m not kidding.